So I got back Monday evening from Johannesburg, knowing that Tuesday morning I had a doctors appointment to have my blood pressure checked out… as I get older these things, well you gotta keep an eye on them. So at 09H15, I’m on my Vespa, and into town, off to Chris Barnard hospital to see Dr Ramjee… mmmm I get there and believe me my Dr is a good guy, he listens and gets what I deal with, and my health, so I go to him here and that’s it, even if it’s out of the way. Tuesday however, he caught me by surprise, he checked my blood pressure, and all’s good, then he said we need to chat, “how are you doing?”, “how are you feeling?” “when last have you had an EKG stress test? and when last did you have your prostate checked?” to which I replied, well its been a few years, surely we can just do a blood test for the prostate and a quick EKG while I’m here…. “No Mr Marcer, you need a prostate exam, and as you said while you are here, we might as well do it…” Oh fuck…!!! Ok I wasn’t prepared mentally for this… really dude, is this really necessary? I mean it kinda flies in the face of nature, I mean, stuff supposed to come out of there, not the other way round. Well sir if you will just drop your pants and underwear, take a lay down on your side, and breath. Breath??? breath??? you have your finger up my ass and that’s it? breath! right now all that pressing and checking is making me wanna go, and if he presses any harder I am, if you will pardon the pun, gonna shit myself. Now I see all you ladies going “DUDE! now you know what we feel like when we go to the Gyne” and I’m not going to argue the point either suffice to say that’s not how I wanted to start me Tuesday. Pop, ahhhh, the snap of latex, and he tells me all’s good, I can get dressed now, no fucking cigarette, no cuddle, what the fuck, I’m feeling violated, but I ain’t letting on I need to get the hell out of here.
Now into the nurses office, “Hi, Mr Marcer, take your shoes off and shirt and have a little lay down on the bed for me” where the hell is this going now? but I’m OK, just breath dude. Out comes a razor and she starts shaving my chest hair, this is just not on, it’s all a bit strong, I mean it’s just not appropriate, I have just been violated and now you’re are shaving my chest, where is this going to end? “Just relax, we are just going to attach an electrode here and there” an electrode here and there, I look like a Christmas tree with nipples!!!! so fuck it, I’m just gonna get through this. So after 10 or 15 minutes of laying there I’m getting a little sleepy and comfortable she says I need to now get up onto a treadmill and with all this shit attached to me, I need to run my violated ass off, I mean that’s a bit extreme after all this was a routine blood pressure test… well at 160 beats a minute my heart is about exploding in my chest, I am sucking air like an asthmatic she finally says “ok you can stop now and lay down on the bed.” That’s if I can even get to the thing without passing out or puking up. 20 minutes after that I find myself back in the Dr rooms as he checks out the EKG… all’s well he says, heart looks good no problems…. I bet he says that to all the boys. But you really need to have your retinas checked, here is a letter, just pop over the road to another Dr and he will do this checkup for you…. Thankfully I could only get an appointment for next Monday, what a relief, I can now go home happy in the knowledge I’m relatively healthy, even if it took all that to find out.
One last thing…. I have to do it all over again next year, and every year thereafter…. Oh fucking joy!!!!
Blood pressure my ass